


Worthy

by Chazene



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Post Reveal, post-reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 12:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18993046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chazene/pseuds/Chazene
Summary: When Lena finds out Kara is Supergirl, she turns to alcohol and starts thinking of old habits to help her cope.  But when Supergirl shows up, Lena wonders if she can ever get over it.





	Worthy

**Author's Note:**

> ********TRIGGER WARNING***********  
> Drinking and cutting.  
> For those who have read my stuff before, you'll know I rarely put up warnings because I don't like taking away from the story. But I've been through some stuff lately, and I've been getting help, and they think I should write this. This story, this was written for me. This was written for me because one my closest friends in the world saw my scars and asked how she could help. I was so not ready for this and she forced my hand and all she wanted to do was help. a lot of what Lena feels, I feel a lot. And this story, its helping me. I was very hesitant to upload this because I don't know how it will be received, but I've been in therapy for 2 months know and I'm learning to stop doubting myself. I'm learning to stop thinking I'm not worthy. And more importantly, I'm learning to stop cutting myself. It's not a fast process, it's not an easy process, and unlike in this story, I don't have a Kara in my life. But Supercorp is easily one of the most beautiful fandoms out there, and I've learned with writing The Light In My Dark that people are down for a new kind of story. I'm sure there's stories like these already out there, but I've never taken time to read them because it scares me when I read things that describe how I feel. I'm learning not to be scared anymore and I've slowly learning to stop wondering why people care for me, and just accept that they do.
> 
> I forwardly apologize if this is not the story you want or thought it would be, but I needed to write this. 
> 
> <3 to you all!

 

Lies. All lies. Betrayal. Anger. Sadness…heartbreak. Everything, all at once. Lena wasn’t sure she could handle it. And she was staring at the blade in front of her, the stainless steel, tempting her to hold it once more. It had been 1 year, 2 months, and 11 days since she last cut herself. She, actually felt proud of that. But now…now she didn’t know. The one person in the world that she cared for, the one person that mattered, the one woman she loved beyond all other things in world…turns out, she was nothing but a liar.

         And once more, Lena felt worthless. She worked so hard in the near three years of their friendship to convince herself she was worthy. Worthy of having someone like Kara Danvers in her life. Worthy of having someone like Kara Danvers just calling to check-in, to make sure Lena was getting enough sleep or getting enough to eat. Worthy of a friend to ask them to spend time with her. No one like Kara Danvers had ever existed before, and then…boom. The reporter walked into her office, and everything changed. And as their friendship developed, Lena began to feel more accepted.

         All through her life, Lena always wondered why people would love her. Lillian surely didn’t, that much was clear. Veronica…that wasn’t really love. And Sam…Lena used to think she was there because of the job, but Lena accepted that Sam would remain a figure in Lena’s life. But nothing prepared Lena for Kara. Nothing. The bright, beautiful blonde walked into her office, and for some reason decided to be Lena’s friend. And in the first several months, Lena wondered why. Why did Kara Danvers love her? How could Kara Danvers love her? But months turned into a year, and then another, and Lena stopped wondering why, and accepted that Kara just loved her because she did.

         But all that was gone now. Her most trusted friend, the only person she ever opened up to, was a liar. ‘Kara Danvers is Supergirl,’ Len remembers her late brother saying…and now he was dead. Dead by Lena’s hand. And no one knew but her. Kara didn’t know that her best friend had killed her brother. And Lena didn’t know how to process it all. And so she turned to her usual solution…scotch. And scotch turned into whiskey, and then bourbon, and then, before Lenaa even realized it, she wasn’t even thinking anymore and then she was staring at the box cutter on the table in front of her.

         Lena briefly glanced at her left arm, the arm that bore the fading, ropey scars. Scars that had defined parts of Lena’s life she thought she had put behind her. But maybe that feeling never went away. Even after her last therapy appointment, the one where she accepted that Kara loved her just because, Lena still had doubts. And now, Lena wondered if Kara ever loved her at all. How could she now? Kara couldn’t love her if she’d been lying to Lena all this time. Had Kara not trusted her best friend enough to tell her? Had Lena not proven herself to Kara on many occasions? Had Lena proved herself to not be what a Luthor should be? Lena laughs at the thought. Maybe Lex was right, maybe she was a fool. She was a fool for thinking Kara Danvers could ever have loved her. Surely, if she did, Kara would have told her the Supergirl secret long ago. And Lena thinks that the more rational part of her brain would know that Kara had valid reasons, but the more she drinks, the more her rational brain disappears, and the more enticing the blade of the blade seems to be. Lena wants to do it. She thinks…well, honestly, Lena doesn’t know what she’s thinking at the moment. She’s too far past wasted to even care. Maybe that’s why she dug the box cutter out from piles of storage.

         Why didn’t she just throw the blade away? Or…or tell Kara? Why didn’t she tell Kara about the scars? Maybe she could have given Kara the blade, then she’d know it would always be way from her. Lena scoffs…Kara wouldn’t care, would she? She’s a liar, a fraud…aa pretender. Everything in their friendship was a lie…everything. Lena had grown so far in love Kara that she was ready to forgive her for damn near anything…but not this. Not something like this. Kara Danvers was Supergirl, but beyond that, Kara Danvers was a liar. Lena loved her so much and now her heart is broken. Lena remembers all the lunches where Kara would come up with excuse after excuse and every time Lena would take it at face value, and now Lena realizes just how much of a fool she had been. ‘ _I flew here on a bus.’ Seriously Lena, how did you not know?_ And Lena thinks she’s crying now. She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s drunk or because she’s hurt. Lena never thought Kara could hurt her. Never. And now, no one has ever hurt her as much as Kara has. For a moment, she glances at the picture laying down on her desk. The one of her, Kara, and Alex. Both of them, liars. She smashes her glass down on the frame, cracking the glass over Kara’s face.

         “Liar,” she curses to the blonde. And Lena is crying again. She’s crying because she loves Kara so much, and now her heart is broken. Kara broke her heart before Lena could even give it to her. Lena was prepared to open up to Kara. To tell her she was in love with her. All that is gone. And all that’s left is Lena staring at the blade in front of her. And now Lena is crying because she used to think the cuts were better than the pain she endured in life. And now she wasn’t sure anymore. Her drunken heart can only bear so much and she’s in despair. She was so ready to give her heart to Kara and now she only feels betrayal. Lena picks up the blade, wondering if she should do it. It’s been so long, she wonders if she’ll remember what it felt like. The tip of blade hovers on her forearm, shadowing the faded scars already there. She’s pressing the blade in her skin, and she realizes she’s cut herself a few times now. And Lena thinks she wants to cry but there’s a knock at the window. Lena takes the blade away and shoves it in a desk drawer. She slides her sleeve over the beads of blood drawan and turns around to see the very woman who was causing her so much pain.

         Lena stares at the blue eyes she once didn’t know had belonged to the woman she loved. There are so many emotions flowing through her, so much anger, so much despair, so much love. Because even with Kara’s betrayal, Lena still loves her. And she wonders what Kara is thinking right now. She is looking at her, and for some reason Lena sees worry. Lena wants to tell her to turn tail and leave, but she’s too drunk to make decisions and she waves Supergirl in.

         “What on Earth would Supergirl want tonight,” Lena greets, the anger unable to be kept in. She turns her back to Kara, not letting the satisfaction of her face. Kara is motionless after she sets down a few feet from Lena.

         “I…”

         “What, you wanted to check up on me? Wanted to spy on a Luthor?”

         “Lena, that’s, that’s never been my…”

         “No, of course not. You’ve only ever been there conveniently when my best friend disappears. When I’m worried about her safety, whether or not she’s been blown up in a building or being burned alive, you’re there to save the day.”

         “I…”

         “Did you ever once consider just telling me, so I don’t have to worry about you?”

         “I’m not sure I understand.”

         Lena turns in anger, “KARA, JUST STOP LYING TO ME!”

         Kara steps back, her jaw dropped. “Lena, I…I,” and she stops, giving up the charade. “Lena, I never meant to hurt you.”

         “Well great fucking job at that.”

         Kara winces with Lena’s cursing.

         “Lena…”

         “No, you know what, you don’t get to talk right now. You’ve had so many chances. I get to talk now.”

         Kara’s mouth is shut, waiting for Lena to talk. And Lena turns away, thinking of where to start.

         “I never had a friend like you. Never. I was…used to being alone. I…” Lena’s hands ran over the fabric covering her scars, “I was kinda good at it. And then you walked, no you flew into my life. Everything changed. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself, I didn’t want to be drowning myself in self-loathing or pity. I didn’t want to…” Lena pauses, thinking of the scars on her arm, thinking of the last time she’d felt that blade just after Medusa, the night she realized how in love with Kara she was. “I spent so much of my life in loneliness. I was brought into a careless family. Lex was the only one that ever cared and when he slipped away. I had no one. You came into my life and I realized friends weren’t so bad after all. I enjoyed being with you. You never wanted anything from me than to just be there. Everyone always wants something from me. But not you. You only ever wanted my friendship. And it hurts so much that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me, NO, don’t talk yet,” Lena says, seeing Kara’s mouth open to say something. But she let Lena continue, “after everything we’ve been through together. I thought you would have trusted me. I…I lo…” Lena wonders if her feelings are beginning to seep out too much. Her drunken brain could pose the end of the singular best thing she’s ever had in her life. And Lena slowly realizes her anger is dissipating. “You’re my best friend Kara. And I’ve never…I never had anyone like you in my life. I was always so alone, then you came along. You brought me out of my shell, you torn down my walls, you helped me…” Lena’s train of anger halts. Kara helped. Even if she lied. She’s always been there. As Kara and Supergirl, she’d always been there. Betrayal or not…Liar or not…She’d always been. And Lena starts to think why she was so angry. How could she be mad? Kara was always there.

         “Lex told me. He told me before I killed him,” Lena says, changing the subject.

         And that’s when everything hits her. Everything in the past 48 hours hits her like a fucking freight train. “I killed him,” she breaks down, wanting to fall to the floor, but Kara ignores the previous wishes to stay still while Lena ranted and she rushes in to catch Lena before she fell. And Kara waits a moment before wrapping Lena in her arms. She throws her cape around Lena’s body, shielding her from anything but her. And Lena lets herself cry. She cries until she thinks she’s cried more tears than she ever had shed before.

         “I’m so sorry Lena. You don’t, I, I wish I could wrap you around my cape forever, never let anyone hurt you again. I wish Lex wasn’t so evil. I wish you didn’t have to…have to kill him. I wish I could take all your pain away and tell you that everything will be okay.”

Lena clings tighter to Kara’s hold, and Kara just tightens the cape around Lena’s body. Lena closes her eyes and all her pain is being forgotten in Kara’s warmth.

“I never meant to hurt you Lena. I was, I was just so scared I’d lose you once I told you. There’ve been so many times I was going to tell you. After Medusa, after Morgan Edge, after you almost…after you almost died…twice,” Kara shudders. “I wanted to tell you after Reign, I wanted to tell you when you started dating James, I wanted to tell you when you broke up, I wanted to tell you on the plane…I…I wanted to tell you last night at game night. Lena, you are by far the most trustworthy person that I know, and you deserve more than anyone to know who I really am. But…I,” Kara pauses. She doesn’t know how to tell Lena how much she loves her. Rao, Kara loved her so much it hurt. There were nights where Kara stayed up, listening to that intoxicating heartbeat. Nights she stayed up because her love for Lena wouldn’t let her sleep, begging Kara to tell Lena everything. And Kara…she was done lying to herself, lying to Lena. No more…she was done.

         “Lena…I’m going to promise you, right here, right now…I’m never going to lie to you again. I can’t do it. It hurt so much to keep this secret when you’re the one in my life that deserves to know everything about me. My name is Kara Zor-El. I came to Earth after Krypton died. I was sent here to protect my baby cousin, Kal-El. But my pod was thrown off course and I spent 24 years alone, trapped in the Phantom Zone where time never passes. I was trapped for so long and when I came to Earth. He had already become Superman and I was just this scared 13 year old girl who had lost everything. He found me a family with the Danvers. And I struggled so hard to be…to be human. For so many years I kept my powers hidden. So many years I just, blended in. But then…Alex’s plane was going down. There was never any choice…I went to save her, risking everything she had worked so hard to keep me safe. I never cared, because I saved her. I wasn’t Supergirl then, but a friend helped me become the hero I am today. And I kept Supergirl and Kara Danvers separate. Anyone who knew who I really was would be in danger. And I didn’t want to risk that. Alex was ever the only one I risked my identity to protect…until you.”

         Lena opens her eyes, leaning away to see Kara’s eyes. “That…that dream of us flying? That was real.”

 

         Kara nods, tears prickling her eyes. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t waste a single second, not even to change into Supergirl. There wasn’t even a decision, I didn’t care I was risking everything. I didn’t care if people saw Kara Danvers flying through the sky. I didn’t care about my secret. I only cared about you, about saving you, about keeping you safe. And I should have told you then. I should have told you so many times over the years. I should have…”

         “Kara,” Lena stops her. Everything is processing in her drunken head, but she realizes as she had before. Kara has always been there. Kara cares. She cares so much. And Lena thinks to the drops of blood trickling down her arm. She doesn’t even know how deep she cut. She’s too drunk to care. But Kara cares. Kara cares and that’s all Lena can think about. And Lena makes a choice to show something that no one in the world knew about. “Kara, I need to show you something.”

         Lena grasps her sleeve, the tears welling in her eyes. Kara still has her cape protecting her, patiently waiting for Lena to show whatever it was she wanted Kara to see. And Lena lifts the sleeve up, revealing the three blood stain lines on her arm. And Kara tears up in a way Lena had never seen. They weren’t tears of pity or shame…they seemed, sorrowful.

         “Lena.” Kara’s voice had never sounded so sincere, it as if she was confessing to a lover. Kara takes her cape and wipes the blood away. She’s so gentle with Lena that Lena wonders how someone so strong can be so soft. “Lena…you…you,” Kara pauses, unable to form words. And Lena thinks this is where Kara stops caring. Why would someone care for someone so broken and damaged? Her previous thoughts of love were put on hold, her previous thoughts of Kara caring were in the back of her mind because she was so scared of what Kara was going to say. No one had seen her scars.

         And then come four words that Lena never thought she’d hear, much less from someone as perfect as Kara Danv…Kara Zor-El.

         “Lena, you are so beautiful.”

         And there’s more tears in Lena’s eyes. Lena’s so damaged, but Kara can’t seem to care about that. Kara only cares about the good apparently. And while Lena is struggling to understand why, Lena only feels Kara.

         “Lena, I wish I could have always taken away your pain.” She says this as she kisses her scars. “I wish I could have always been there when you were hurt.” She kisses the scars again. “I wish I nev…did…did these,” Kara traces the newest scars. “Were these because of…”

         “I, I don’t know. I never really knew. I just cut because, because I wanted to feel something else. I wanted to feel something that, that was different.”

         Kara is still crying, and both of them are surprised they still have tears to shed because of how emotional the past half hour had been. But Kara is kissing her scars again. And Lena no longer cares why she hurt herself, sure, she needs help. She knows she does. But Kara is here right now and…

         “Lena, I love you.”

         And Lena opens her mouth but Kara wasn’t done.

         “No, that’s a lie. Well not a lie, but not the truth. I always loved you, but you thought that was like best friend way. But I don’t love you lik…no I do but…”

         Lena smiles. She might be dressed as Supergirl, but she sees nothing but her best friend.

         “I’m in love with you,” Kara says after taking a breath. And if a heart could physically skip a beat, Lena was sure it just did.

         “Did you just say…”

         “I’m so in love with you. I’ve been so in love with you since I saved you from the Daxam ship.”

         _That was two years ago,_ Lena thinks.

         “I’ve been so in love with you and I’ve never known how to tell you. I’ve never felt this way. I’ve never been so in love with someone that I couldn’t sleep until I heard your heartbeat. I couldn’t sleep until I heard you leave your office and you were home safe. I always worried about you. About keeping you safe. And for so long I kept myself hidden because I never wanted you to worry about me. You only knew me as Kara Danvers, an ordinary human being. I think…I think it was safer because then you wouldn’t have bad guys going after you. But…I realized I couldn’t tell you how much I loved you until I told you I was Supergirl. And I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know how to. You are worth so much to me, worthy of so many things and I…”

         “Kara,” Lena practically shouts, stopping all of Kara’s words. Lena has a look of shock on her face. Kara loves her. Kara is in love with her. Kara is in love with her and for the first time in her life, Lena doesn’t wonder why. She believes every word. She doesn’t wonder how someone like Kara could care her for her. She doesn’t wonder how Kara could love her after seeing her scars. Lena doesn’t wonder if Kara would fall out of love with her in the years…there is only one thing Lena wonders. Lena wonders how Kara’s lip would feel.

         Lena surges forward, knocking Kara over on her back in surprise. But Lena doesn’t remove her lips from Kara’s. And for the shortest of seconds, Kara doesn’t kiss back. And Lena is horrified she made a mistake, but she remembers that Kara loves her. And then Kara is kissing back, and it is the most elated feeling in the world. Kara places a hand on the small of Lena’s back and another on the back of her neck while she lets Lena’s hands cup her cheeks. There’s a moan, and Kara isn’t sure who it is but it’s replaced by her soft giggle. And then they break apart.

         “Wow, I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” Kara breathes, still holding Lena close. And there is a tearful smile on Lena that Kara had never seen.

         “Why didn’t you?”

         “I was scared.”

         Lena kisses her again. “I was terrified,” she says once she breaks away.

         Kara moves her hands to Lena’s thighs, she picks her up and sits up, placing Lena in her lap and Lena’s legs wrap around Kara’s waist “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I broke your trust and I will do everything I can to earn your trust again.”

         Lena’s smile turns coy, “I am still mad at you.”

         And Kara catches on, kissing away that coy smirk. “Are you know?”

         “Mhmm.”

         And Kara kisses her again.

         “Now?”

         “Still angry.”

         Another kiss, “now?”

         “One more.”

         And Kara kisses her again, this time lifting them up, holding Lena in her strong arms. She carries Lena to her bed happily letting them fall into the mattress, but Kara refrains from continuing further. And Lena pouts, but Kara holds firm.

         “I would love nothing more than to show you just how much I love you. To show you each and every desire I’ve had. But you’re drunk. And I’m not taking advantage of you. And I…”

         “Be my girlfriend,” Lena blurts out. And Kara gasps with a wide smile. But  “Wait, actually wait.,” Lena takes a breath. “Kara,” she begins, patting a place for Kara to sit beside her on the bed, “Yeah, I am drunk. And I don’t think I ever would have said any of this sober, but you need to know before you say yes. I am broken. I am hurt, and before you say anything,” Lena says, holding a hand up to stop Kara, “I do need help. And tonight, this,” she says, placing her hand over the House of El crest, “this is the greatest thing anyone has ever given me. And you’ve already shown me what love is.  But there will be days where I don’t. There will be days I think I’m not worthy. There will be days where you will think I want to…I want to cut myself again. There will be bad days Kara. There’s going to be a lot of them. And…I’m going to hold you to your promise. You can’t lie to me anymore. Whether it is big things or little things. I…I can’t be lied to. Not by you. And I am still mad at you but…even though I’m drunk. I’ve thought about it, and…I get it. I understand. And while I think they are stupid reasons, you were trying to keep me safe and I thank you for that. But if we are going to do this. You have to be patient with me. I’ll make my own promise now, I will get help. I don’t know if it will do any good, but, I will get help. And I will need you to be there.”

         And Kara smiles, placing her hand over Lena’s, holding it over the crest. “Do you know what this means?”

         Lena shakes her head.

         “Stronger together. El Mayarah. I would always say it to Alex. And now I’m saying it to you. El Mayarah. You’re strong enough on your own Lena. You are one of the bravest and strongest people I know. And we will be stronger together. So…if you want to ask me again, I think you will know my answer.”

         “Will you be my girlfriend?”

         “Yes, a million times, always and forever, yes.”

         And now Lena has just about exhausted all her strength. “Stay here with me…please.”

         And Kara smiles. She quickly finds a pair of Lena’s sweatpants and a shirt and rejoins Lena in the bed. She finds her cape and lays it over Lena. She’s snoring softly and Kara falls even more in love with her. She’s seen this so many times over the years. It’s not the first time they’ve shared a bed too, but Kara feels so much love and relief to finally have everything out there. No more lies, no more secrets. And Kara knows she still has to earn Lena’s trust. And there will be tough days ahead. But Kara isn’t backing down, she won’t cower away, not any more, not when Lena has put her full trust in her. Not when Lena has confessed so much in one night. Not when Lena will need Kara’s help in the days to come. And Kara is going to be there.

         She settles herself in the bed, and she takes Lena’s arm one more time, kissing the scars, kissing away all the pain.

         “No matter what you do, no matter what you say or think, you will always, Always, be worthy. I just hope I’ll be worthy of you.”

         “I love you Kara Zor-El.”

         And it’s the first time she hears her name, her real name, who she really is, and Lena just said it for the first time, and Kara already loves it. Lena says it so softly one would have thought she was talking in her sleep, but Lena takes Kara and makes her cuddle her tight.

         “Never let me go,” she whispers. And Kara kisses her temple.

         “I will never let you go.”

 

         And if the next morning Lena wakes to the smell of eggs and bacon from the kitchen, even if they smell burnt, if Lena walks into the kitchen to see Kara dressed in her clothes, to see Kara with a messy bun and her glasses askew on her face, if Kara kisses her good morning, tasting the smell of coffee on her lips, if Lena enjoys the way it feels, Lena tells herself she wouldn’t mind waking up to that each and every day. Waking up to a woman she loves, waking up to the woman who makes her feel worthy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you.


End file.
